Lucky you! Today I’m ready to share my secrets with you.
Nearly all of these techniques can be executed from the comfort of your favorite writing chair, but you must commit in order to see results. Cellulite doesn’t take time off, neither can you.
Ready to get started?
Trim your finger nails. Only use one coat of polish. Layers add up you know.
Toe nails. Go and do likewise.
Get a hair cut. I’m thinking Anne Hathaway in Les Mis short, especially if you have thick hair (or great cheek bones).
Pluck that unibrow. (Yes, down the middle.)
Defunk the button. When was the last time you excavated your belly button?
Q-tip those ears. (Start fresh. Do not reuse from previous step.)
Donate a kidney. (Note, that’s singular.)
Exfoliate your knees, heels and elbows.
Wax those legs. Feel the burn.
Clean between your piggies.
Do some serious nose hair scaping.
Harvest anything sprouting in your ears too.
Don’t forget the hairs on your chinny chin chin.
Get all tattoos removed. (True, it won’t lead to weight loss, but you’ll make your mom happy and that should count for something.)
I can virtually guarantee weight loss after just one workout. The results will be subtle, yes. Nearly imperceptible, perhaps. But think of all of the sweat and strain you’ve avoided. And when someone comments, “You look so fresh. Have you lost weight?” You can simply blow your nose, pluck a hangnail, and honestly say, “Why, yes. Yes, I have.”
Consult your health care provider before starting a [chair-based] diet or exercise plan.
Discontinue diet immediately if you experience any of the following: blurred vision, dry mouth, rapid heart rate, a sense of inherent worthlessness, uncontrolled cookie baking, an inability to skip up hill, sudden onset of zombiagriphobia (fear of zombie farmers) or an inexplicable need to read every word of a blog no matter how silly it is.
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Try some chair exercises at your desk too.